Himekawa Kyojii and the Holy Gauntlet
by Stalker Goes to Babylon
Summary: Once upon a time, there was a llama. Then it got SARS from a J-rocker named Gackt. Then it died, END. If that's funny, then this is the story for you! Link, Ganondorf, and others must save Hyrule from Don Quixote, other stuff, and Mexican fast-food.
1. Obedient slave monkeys

Okay, so I'm sitting around with pretty much NOTHING to do…so I give you all a horrible, shocking, ramen-filled excerpt from….MY MIND! Disclaimer: I own nothing, expect for maybe my soul.

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Himekawa Kyojii And the Holy Gauntlet.

**O**nce upon a time…and all that other crap…a young man named Link was roaming the seemingly endless plains of Hyrule field. He roamed and roamed…and actually did stop for a bite at Taco King…then continued on his ever important journey! He came to the Zora's waterfall, and played the appropriate tune, then put on a fake peppy smile and waited. Soon, a lanky looking Zora with a weird accent popped his head out, and looked down at the kid in the green sock..

"Hello!" Link said, "I was wondering, could I come in?"

"You need to inform the king first!" the Zora yelled down, "It's rude to just walk in! You Hylians are rude!"

"What?! But I did send word!"

"You did? How?"

"By a mute fairy!"

"Mute fairies can't talk, you fool!"

"I gave it a NOTE, stupid!" Link yelled back up, now just plain annoyed. The commotion had drawn two other Zora's to the scene. "What on earth is going on?" one asked.

"This fellow says he sent a note of inform to the king to us by means of a mute fairy!" The first Zora replied.

"Don't be silly!" The first one said, "Everyone knows that a mute fairy isn't able to carry a Hylian scroll!"

"Yes it can!" Link argued impatiently, "It was fine!"

"No, no, you see, the mass of a Hylian scroll, made of papyri, since paper hasn't been invented yet, that's long enough to contain the minimum needed information for a formal request of this sort would have to weigh at least-"

"Oh, I've got no time for this!" Link spat, "Just go ask the king again then, why don't you?!"

"……would have to weight at least .7 decigrams squared. Which would equal .o7 kilograms. Not squared, of course. Now, see here! The mass of a healthy, non-drug induced mute fairy is an average of .oo4 kilograms. That is, to say-"

"Enough!!" Link yelled at him, "Just go and tell the king I'm here!"

"……to say, that the mute fairy weighed somewhere within the hundredth of .o4 decigrams. All of this squared, mind you.. And according to-"

"BY MARRY, SHUT UP!" Link screamed at the guy, threw down his sock/hat, and stomped on it.

"-according to Sir Isaac Neutron's Law of Psychics, the mute fairy cannot carry over 3.6 times it's own mass. Because you multiply the mute fairy's volume (V) times it's mass (M) divided by it's radius times pie, or times 3.14287…

"JUST FORGET IT!" Link yelled at them.

"…56743, and on into infinity! So you see, the mute fairy cannot carry the Hylian scroll made of Papyri! "

Link suddenly had a wonderful, horrible, and just plain stupid thought. "What if it's a subterranean mute fairy?"

The Zora paused, "Well, that would make things different, know wouldn't it!"

Lin smirked, "Hah! Now, good sir, let me into your master's domain!"

"No!" The second Zora said, "We still won't!"

"What?! Why this time?!" Link asked over-anxiously.

"Because we're mean!" the Zora replied smugly, and shook his fin queerly.

"Why would you want to be like that?" Link demanded.

All three Zora's popped there heads over the water's edge, and looked down at the vegetated-ish outfitted boy. "Because it's _cool._" The first Zora said smugly.

"Mmmmm-hmmmm!" The other two nodded, like obedient slave monkeys.


	2. Off to fight evil and what not!

AND SO! Our hero traveled onward! On his mighty steed…

(We see Link hobbling along, moving his legs in a position that resembled the position one would be in…if

he were on a horse. Epona was closely following, making the appropriate trotting noises when he walked/rode, and stopping when he stopped. And eventually she just stopped following him altogether. Yes children, Link is not a very bright boy.)

…he's off to fight evil and what not! 

"Haha! I'm off to fight evil and what not!" Link shouted proudly as he 'rode' into the nearest village for a restroom break. All the inhabitants of the area turned around to watch the overly-prideful yet still stupid boy ride in. 

"HEY! It's a GUY!" one yelled

"Stupid Hylian offspring!" another shouted at him. Link had just walked into the Gerudo Fortress. The guards stood up, "Let's capture him!" One yelled, and the others roared with approval.

"Then what?" a lady with two pigtails asked.

"Strip him!!" Another lady yelled from a distance away, but thankfully went unheard.

"Then…um…we'll capture him!"

"Stip him and shave his legs!!" Again, unheard.

"Yes yes, but THEN what?" the pigtailed lady asked.

"Um….I dunno. Let's just capture him!" 

"Oh, very well." She droned, then the entire group charged after him. Link, who had been so kind enough to stand there waiting patiently for his fate the whole time, shrieked turned around, and started to run . Only to be cut off by more guards. Of course, Link acted bravely, like the hero he was, and refused his being captured with a strong statement.

"EEEEEE!!!!!" Came a shrill scream from Link's throat, and he dove into the dirt and covered up his head, "Not my sock-like freakish hat! ANYTHING but the hat!! PLEAASSEE!" 

Just as Link was about to be run through by at least 50 oversized spears…a loud gong rung out into the air. All of the women instantly stopped, and pulled out their - stolen, I might add - watches. "Oh, would you look at that," one said, "it's time for lunch already!" The group dropped their weapons and instantly started to scatter.

"Huh?" Link looked up from under his arms in surprise, "You're not going to attack me?" he asked, although he shouldn't have been complaining, "I'm a intruder! You're not going to pummel me through with those spears and spew my insides all over the sand?"

"No!" One spat at him, "Duh! It's our lunch break! If we went after YOU, then we'd be doing WORK. That doesn't sound _cool_!" The others agreed and walked off.

Link rose an eyebrow, "Wouldn't you get paid overtime?"

"We don't get paid at all, kid."

"…Oooh. Okay then!!" Link shrugged and walked/rode into the village. He marched right in, to see everyone snacking on their lunches. Provided by Taco King, of course! While I'm at it, I might as well mention that the funding for this freakishly mutated fan fiction was graciously provided by Taco King. Suddenly, Link gasped with fear, and looked up….really up…at his greatest opponent's fast-food stuffed face!

" Ganondorf!!" Link exclaimed, "What…what are you doing here?"

"…Eating lunch?" Ganondorf replied, sipping a soda, "What's it look like I'm doing!?"

"But-but…How did get ever get out of the Dark Realm?" Link stuttered.

Ganondorf paused for a moment, then put his hand on his chin, thoughtfully. "Um……'cause I felt like it."

"What?! That's all?" Link asked.

"Yeah.. Wait! …Yeah, yeah that's all." Ganondorf replied, "...Wanna enchilada?"

"I bet you poisoned it!" Link said defensively.

"Hmm…nah. Those weird people who make the food already poisoned it enough, I'd bet."

"Good point." Link admitted, and then gladly took the enchilada, and started munching on it, "Hey….Hey this is pretty good!" he exclaimed, "Can I have another one?"

Ganondorf made an annoyed face, and crossed his arms. "….well…I guess I won't miss it…."


	3. Freak daning Nayru!

~100 Enchiladas Later…~

Ganondorf looked down at Link, and blinked once or twice, "…That was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life. I'm contemplating suicide."

"Yumm…." Link replied, then fell over clutching his Mexican-food-warped stomach, and started to doze off. But just as he was about to drift off into a enchilada-filled dream, a bit of thunder could be heard in the distance. After 15 minutes of Deep Link Thoughts, he blinked, and turned to Ganondorf and said, "Hey…it never rains in the desert…why is there thunder?"

"Well, if you had the brain of a average human, you would have already looked up and noticed the swirling cyclone in the sky, about 70 feet in front of our faces."

"Oh. I see. OH MY GOD! THERE IS A SWIRLING CYCLONE IN THE SKY, ABOUT 70 FEET AND 3 INCHES FROM OUR FACES!!" 

"And 3 inches? Don't try to sound smart….because you're not." Ganondorf said in reply, then looked towards the tornado with interest. It swirled around and around, every time seeming to add another color into it's pastel swirly mix of sherbety goodness.

And suddenly, from it came forth a ghostlike voice! A soft voice, and a kind one, but at the same time very loud. It started to giggle a bit, then spoke. "So, it seems I've found two of you already…what luck!" 

"What? Who…who are you?" Link asked, and stood up.

Again, the voice giggled, "Dearest Link, O Hero of Time, I have something to tell thee."

Link blinked, then smirked to himself. '_Ha ha ha, I get to save the world again…' _ He thought. "…Er…what is it?"

"Link…." The voice said, "….And you too, Ganondorf. **Heed my words….there _is_ a plot to this story**."

The two mortals gasped, and took a step back in fear, "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH-MY-GOD!!" They shouted, "OH MY GOD! OH MY-"

"Okay, okay, that's enough!!" The voice snapped, then started to materialize it's form into the clouds. Both Ganon and Link watched in awe as the clouds formed into a beautiful feminine figure, in a brilliantly hidden Lion King spoof scene. (Or if we want to go back to the REAL roots: Kimba the White Lion. Disney copied Tezuka, and should just admit it!!) 

"Are you…a….goddess?" Link asked.

"….The…the goddess of the sand! You must be her!" Ganondorf also said.

She only laughed, "No, no, not the sand goddess. I am known by all my children as Nayru. But-"

"…N…Naryu!!" Link stuttered, then wondered if he should bow or not. 

She only looked irritated from his interruption. "But-"

"N….N-n-n-Nayru!!!" Link said, then did bow this time.

"Er….but in-"

"MISS NAYRU!"

"…dude, you're pissing her off." Ganondorf muttered.

"**SILENCE, MORTALS!**" Nayru finally screamed at them. When both of the humans started to breath again, she calmed down and continued, "But in truth, I am also…."

Both gazed at her in utmost curiosity, on their toes.

The clouds swirled again, and in a flash….Nayru now had a fluffy-cloudy-looking surround sound stereo system behind her. She smiled, "I am Freak-Dancing Nayru!" She paused to pull off a dazzling rendition of…oh, you know, some boy band dance, "Goddess of all that is DANCE!"  
The two of them stared at her in utter disbelief. The only response they could muster was a deep, simultaneous, "….oh."   
"YES! You're fear overcomes you, no?" she grinned as well as a cloud could grin, "But enough of that, I've come to you both for reasons besides…THE DANCE."

"….oh."

"Yes." Nayru cleared her throat a little, then continued, "I've come to give to thee both a quest."

"….Ja, say what?"

She blinked, then frowned, "I've got a job for you. Both of you. Together. The same job."

Both of them stared at her in alarm, "What?!' Ganondorf demanded, "But…but…impossible! You can't exactly expect us to work in a cooperative environment, can you?!

"Well, you shared your lunch with him, didn't you?" Nayru said with a little grin.

"Hey…he did!" Link said stupidly. He was ignored. Because he is stupid.

Ganondorf rolled his eyes, "That's because it was TACO KING. I mean, who would actually eat that crap?"

"WOAH!" Link took a step back from him, "I am offended!"

Ganon only smirked, "I'll say it once, and I'll say it again. WHO would actually eat that TACO KING CRAP?!"

Nayru giggled, and gleefully put her hands over her mouth. 

"Eh? What's so funny?" Ganondorf sulkily demanded.

"It seems you've offended more than one person." She replied, and pointed behind him. 


	4. Dragons, er, EELS of Heaven!

(Note: Welcome to Chapter 4. From here on, a few of the jokes might be hard for some to understand. But if you know a good bit about J-rock and anime/manga, you should be fine. If not, it'll still be funny….just random. I'll try to help explain some things. If you've read or seen the brilliant manga and anime X (Also called X / 1999 in the American translations.) Then you'll be good to go! )

Behind them stood a crowd of Gerudo women, angrily tapping their feet and muttering things. "What do you mean you don't' like Taco King?!"

"How can you say that?!"

"Er…"

"I thought you liked us!!"

"Yeah, what's the deal?!"

"No, it's not that! No-"

"You can't NOT like Taco King!! They're funding this very story!"

"Yeah!" Link chimmed in with the girls. Maybe he was one. But that's a different story.

"You're a freak, King Ganondorf!"

"H-hey!!"

"FREAK!"

"Just like that _other_ freak!" One girl in the back said, then others chimed in with agreements and laughter.

Link and Ganondorf both blinked, and the evil king asked, "…Who do you mean? Speak up!"

She tried to stop laughing, and explained, "Oh, you know. She's just like you…she does not eat…THE TACO."

"EW, she's horrible!" Link squealed. The girl nodded, but then merrily slapped him upside the head for interrupting. 

"What's her name….oh, oh, you know, Nabooru." The girl continued.

"Yeah, that's her." Another said with a nod.

Ganondorf made a face, "OH. _Her._ Hmph."

Link blinked and looked at Ganondorf, while the girl's gradually started to trot back to the Gerudo Fortress. "Hey, what's up with you and her? You don't seem to like her-"

"None of your business." Ganondorf quickly answered. 

Nayru, who had somehow magically gone unseen by the horde of Gerudo women, laughed again, "Now that they're gone, I'll explain everything to you." She said, while turning on _The Pillows_ and bobbing her head to the foreign tune. She set the volume to a lower setting, then lay down on her surroundings of pillowy pluffy fluff and looked down at them.

"It looks comfyyy!!" Link cried, but was smacked upside the head again, this time by Ganondorf.

"Now," Nayru said, with a hint of authority in her voice, "I said that you both have been given a test, right?"

They both mechanically nodded.

"Yes, well, that is true…but you two cannot do it alone. There are others who will partake as well."

"Who?" Link asked

"How many?" Ganondorf followed up.  
"Be quiet, and I'll tell you. There are five others, but let me explain why. It is destined that, in this year, 99 B.C., that this would happen. You both were given your powers that you possess for certain reasons, you know."

"To defend Hyrule?" Link asked.

"To destroy Hyrule?" Ganondorf asked, more eagerly than Link.

"Well…yeah, but besides that!" Nayru snapped, annoyed. 

Both stared at her, with utterly blank faces.

"Now, listen carefully. VERY carefully!! You are both more than mere men, a hero and a sorcerer. You destiny was written for you, in the stars. Like seeds on a poppy seed muffin. Like chicken pox on a three-year old. You are both members of The Seven." She paused for effect, "Ganondorf, from the vast Gerudo deserts, and Link, from the Kokiri forest, you are two of The Seven, and you will fight to save this earth."

Both stared up at her, wondering what this group of seven was. 

She smiled, then stood back up, and was soon surrounded by thin strikes of lighting, encircling her; drawn to her power. "You stars are written, and they name you both as a Dragon. Well, actually…Eels. Dragon sounds better, but actually, you're both just symbolic eels. But the power! **An Eel of Heaven!** Which means that you are both one of…………**The Seven Essences!** "

"Wha?! What the heck!? " Ganondorf snapped, "That's not a cool term! That's doesn't even flow off your tougne or anything!! Couldn't you think up a better name?!"

Nayru looked displeased, "Well, we couldn't use The Seven Seals, it's already taken and it's not at all Zelda related! And besides, religious reference is all 'politically incorrect' these days!"

Meanwhile, Link was in awe of his new found importance. He started up at Nayru, "Wooooooooow……"

"Then what the heck does Essences have to do with The Legend of Zelda?!" Ganondorf demanded.

"The Triforce is made of the Essences of the Goddesses, silly!" Nayru replied with a smile.

"Woooooooooooooooow……"

"That's just dumb!" Ganondorf shouted, then crossed his arms.

"Well, whether you think that or not, you can't change your destiny." Nayru said as-a-matter-of-factly, then cleared her throat a bit, "Now, the battle of the fate of earth will begin soon…mark my words. But right now, it is your job – both of you – to find the other five Essences, and you must discover the place where the battle will take place."

"Can't you tell us any more?" Link asked, and stared up at her.

"No." She replied, "You must walk your own paths, whichever way they may turn. You will discover more on your way to victory…or defeat, whichever way the wheels of fate may turn, but one thing is certain."

"What's that?" both asked.

"I'm sure glad as hell that I won't be there when you meet the next Essence, YO!!" Nayru said, then laughed, grabbed her fluffy boom-box, then disappeared head-banging to The Matrix Reloaded soundtrack.

Ganondorf stood there for a long time, hearing nothing but the wind blow. He slowly looked to the west, in the direction of the Spirit Temple, and started that way for a long time.

Meanwhile, Link was aweing over himself again. "Wooooooooow….."

"….Crap." Ganondorf mumbled, and narrowed his eyes, "Just crap."


End file.
